Haven't I Learned That Yet???
Today, for some reason, seems to be a difficult day. I feel on the verge of tears and frustration and would rather just curl back in bed than do anything else.
It hasn't been a bad week - not fantastic but not bad. I was home sick Monday, had a 9-10 most nights -but 6-8's during the day so that's not too bad, and the tremor still continues. Not as constant but still there.
I think that I'm just feeling frustrated because I have a hard time writing (and my job entails 95% of things to be handwritten) and because of that it takes me 10 times as long to do something as simple as address and envelope. (Times that by 3 per student and 8-10 students a day it takes all day to process a few lessons!)
The thing that crosses my mind right now is haven't I learned to give up things and be patient? I already have stopped so much - doing anything at church, helping my friends/sisters as much as I'd like, playing music (though I suppose it helps that I don't even have a piano now so I couldn't play even if I wanted to). Most days I go to work and just come home.
That's it.
Now with the tremor my list of things that I can do is reduced even more -though according to some 'friends' I could be harnessing the energy and sanding tables or giving back rubs. I feel impatient waiting for tests to be booked and results and for the tremor to stop. My arm is tired and sore from pretty much constant movement.
I'm tired. And that's when the trouble starts.
I can feel the slope getting slippery as I start falling down into the pit of despair and self pity. Like an old friend it feels comfortable to go there, have a pity party and give up.
How many times to I need to learn this lesson? I just want to learn it and not have to go through it again. I want to participate in life again and not be tired. Is that only going to happen in heaven? I suppose it is just time to trust that God knows what is going on and wait on his timing and in the meantime start thinking of serving him instead of me - I know it in my heart but my head is doubting today and my soul feels weary.
I just want to have learned already.
It hasn't been a bad week - not fantastic but not bad. I was home sick Monday, had a 9-10 most nights -but 6-8's during the day so that's not too bad, and the tremor still continues. Not as constant but still there.
I think that I'm just feeling frustrated because I have a hard time writing (and my job entails 95% of things to be handwritten) and because of that it takes me 10 times as long to do something as simple as address and envelope. (Times that by 3 per student and 8-10 students a day it takes all day to process a few lessons!)
The thing that crosses my mind right now is haven't I learned to give up things and be patient? I already have stopped so much - doing anything at church, helping my friends/sisters as much as I'd like, playing music (though I suppose it helps that I don't even have a piano now so I couldn't play even if I wanted to). Most days I go to work and just come home.
That's it.
Now with the tremor my list of things that I can do is reduced even more -though according to some 'friends' I could be harnessing the energy and sanding tables or giving back rubs. I feel impatient waiting for tests to be booked and results and for the tremor to stop. My arm is tired and sore from pretty much constant movement.
I'm tired. And that's when the trouble starts.
I can feel the slope getting slippery as I start falling down into the pit of despair and self pity. Like an old friend it feels comfortable to go there, have a pity party and give up.
How many times to I need to learn this lesson? I just want to learn it and not have to go through it again. I want to participate in life again and not be tired. Is that only going to happen in heaven? I suppose it is just time to trust that God knows what is going on and wait on his timing and in the meantime start thinking of serving him instead of me - I know it in my heart but my head is doubting today and my soul feels weary.
I just want to have learned already.
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