Change...
I really don't like change.
Well... that isn't really true. I love to change the layout of a room or how I organize things, change my clothing and sometimes my hair colour (nothing too radical though to win a bet with Ryan I did do a purple streak in the back - underneath where no one could see it except for Hannah who would look for it and twist that lock around her fingers).
I'm talking about change that I have no control over (there comes that 'control' word again). Over the last number of years I know that the Lord has been working in my life - to give over control of things. I have learned that I enjoy fellowship so much more when there are other people in charge, and that my way isn't the only way (this is shocking!!!).
Even as far as health things, I've learned to give over control of planning and accepting that having to cancel last minute might happen (like yesterday when I was supposed to take the kids to the zoo with the Oosterhof's and instead spent the afternoon in the dark & quiet of Tristan's room with a migraine).
The change that I really have a hard time with happened yesterday. And last Thursday. Twice in one week is not a good sign.
It might seem odd to say that my migraines change, but every few years they do. A few years ago, if it was really bad my right should would shake. Sometimes I would see white spots if I closed my eyes. Sometimes I would just get a feeling and know it was coming. Over the last year and a half I developed a tremor in my right hand and left shoulder (I know - really random) as well as a stutter. That has reduced greatly and only happens with certain migraines (if you've had migraines you know what I mean by 'certain' there are different kinds). The last 9 months or so I can be in a hot room with no air circulation (so I feel like an old lady at church but I have to have a fan there because sometimes it is so stuffy I feel almost claustrophobic).
Then last Thursday, I was working at my desk and was feeling nauseous, hot and shaky (almost like a flu shaky). I had someone drive me home (so you know it was bad because I couldn't drive the 7 minutes home) took some gravol and went straight to bed. The next day I still felt like, well, like I'd been hit by a truck (and looked it too - pasty and pale) and just had to move slowly. Over the weekend I was in Kingston and some moments were much better than others (unfortunately when we were doing the tour of Kingston was not so great a time).
Maybe it was just a flu bug or I was tired or something.
Then it happened again yesterday. I was sitting at my desk working, and I started to feel an all over shaky, nauseous and light headed. I got home and laid down for 4 hours. I couldn't sleep I just laid there and tried not to move. If I didn't move my stomach wouldn't lurch and my head wouldn't swim. Around 5 I forced myself downstairs and sort of slowly moved around (putting on the BBQ, setting the table, eating with the family, clearing the table, putting jamies on the girls). By 8 I was more than toast. I headed back downstairs and till about midnight just laid there watching a movie and not moving (except to switch over a few loads of laundry).
Today I don't feel as bad as last week, but as I was going through the grocery store I was very glad I had a cart and not a basket to lean on for support. I'm getting up to walk around a bit today, but really feel like moving is the enemy and that if I lift the wrong thing (like a chair or table or box or more than a few books) it will bring it back on in full force.
One thing that I have been 'thankful' over the last 25 years, in regards to the migraines, is that I have never been nauseous or dizzy with them. I can usually still work up till about a 9 our of 10 and then I have to go. I usually am able to sleep when I have a migraine - which goes a long way in making it bearable. I know of so many people who are sick to their stomach's with migraines and I have been so thankful to not have that.
This is a change I don't like and really to be very truthful makes me feel scared. When this feeling comes on I can't drive so if it comes on suddenly I could be stuck on the side of the road somewhere - waiting it out (or at the least for someone to come and get me). It makes me scared to think of driving anywhere with the kids or taking them somewhere in case it comes on suddenly (which it seems to do I can go from fine to out in less than 5 mins).
But this is also where the rubber hits the road. I need to give control of all things over to my Father (who I know loves me) this included. If you think of it, please pray that this would not be a new symptom of the migraines but just a bug or something, but that if this is the 'new' that I would have the strength to bear and endure it, with grace and without complaining.
Well... that isn't really true. I love to change the layout of a room or how I organize things, change my clothing and sometimes my hair colour (nothing too radical though to win a bet with Ryan I did do a purple streak in the back - underneath where no one could see it except for Hannah who would look for it and twist that lock around her fingers).
I'm talking about change that I have no control over (there comes that 'control' word again). Over the last number of years I know that the Lord has been working in my life - to give over control of things. I have learned that I enjoy fellowship so much more when there are other people in charge, and that my way isn't the only way (this is shocking!!!).
Even as far as health things, I've learned to give over control of planning and accepting that having to cancel last minute might happen (like yesterday when I was supposed to take the kids to the zoo with the Oosterhof's and instead spent the afternoon in the dark & quiet of Tristan's room with a migraine).
The change that I really have a hard time with happened yesterday. And last Thursday. Twice in one week is not a good sign.
It might seem odd to say that my migraines change, but every few years they do. A few years ago, if it was really bad my right should would shake. Sometimes I would see white spots if I closed my eyes. Sometimes I would just get a feeling and know it was coming. Over the last year and a half I developed a tremor in my right hand and left shoulder (I know - really random) as well as a stutter. That has reduced greatly and only happens with certain migraines (if you've had migraines you know what I mean by 'certain' there are different kinds). The last 9 months or so I can be in a hot room with no air circulation (so I feel like an old lady at church but I have to have a fan there because sometimes it is so stuffy I feel almost claustrophobic).
Then last Thursday, I was working at my desk and was feeling nauseous, hot and shaky (almost like a flu shaky). I had someone drive me home (so you know it was bad because I couldn't drive the 7 minutes home) took some gravol and went straight to bed. The next day I still felt like, well, like I'd been hit by a truck (and looked it too - pasty and pale) and just had to move slowly. Over the weekend I was in Kingston and some moments were much better than others (unfortunately when we were doing the tour of Kingston was not so great a time).
Maybe it was just a flu bug or I was tired or something.
Then it happened again yesterday. I was sitting at my desk working, and I started to feel an all over shaky, nauseous and light headed. I got home and laid down for 4 hours. I couldn't sleep I just laid there and tried not to move. If I didn't move my stomach wouldn't lurch and my head wouldn't swim. Around 5 I forced myself downstairs and sort of slowly moved around (putting on the BBQ, setting the table, eating with the family, clearing the table, putting jamies on the girls). By 8 I was more than toast. I headed back downstairs and till about midnight just laid there watching a movie and not moving (except to switch over a few loads of laundry).
Today I don't feel as bad as last week, but as I was going through the grocery store I was very glad I had a cart and not a basket to lean on for support. I'm getting up to walk around a bit today, but really feel like moving is the enemy and that if I lift the wrong thing (like a chair or table or box or more than a few books) it will bring it back on in full force.
One thing that I have been 'thankful' over the last 25 years, in regards to the migraines, is that I have never been nauseous or dizzy with them. I can usually still work up till about a 9 our of 10 and then I have to go. I usually am able to sleep when I have a migraine - which goes a long way in making it bearable. I know of so many people who are sick to their stomach's with migraines and I have been so thankful to not have that.
This is a change I don't like and really to be very truthful makes me feel scared. When this feeling comes on I can't drive so if it comes on suddenly I could be stuck on the side of the road somewhere - waiting it out (or at the least for someone to come and get me). It makes me scared to think of driving anywhere with the kids or taking them somewhere in case it comes on suddenly (which it seems to do I can go from fine to out in less than 5 mins).
But this is also where the rubber hits the road. I need to give control of all things over to my Father (who I know loves me) this included. If you think of it, please pray that this would not be a new symptom of the migraines but just a bug or something, but that if this is the 'new' that I would have the strength to bear and endure it, with grace and without complaining.
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