Encouraging Singles
Just a quick note before I post this one. It was hard to write, mostly because I'm in that situation. Being single. My hope is that folks reading this will be encouraged and sensitive as well. If you would like to pass this onto someone, please feel free to do so (does that make sound vain... that someone might WANT to pass it on?!?!) but please do not publish it without asking me beforehand (just so I know where it is going). This was originally published in the ARP Encouragers Newsletter.
"So, what does your husband do?"
"I don't know, I haven't met him yet."
It was an innocent question. I was meeting a minister for the first time and he was tying to 'place' me. I was so thrilled to have come up with that response right away (it doesn't happen often) and the poor man turned every shade of red and quickly walked away.
When people reach a 'certain age", one naturally presumes that they are married. When that 'norm' isn't true there are moments of awkwardness and discomfort. What's wrong with that that they aren't married? Maybe they are just too picky.
In preparing for this article a number of 'older' singles were questioned about their churches and how the church is an encouragement and/or discouragement to them in their daily lives. They were also asked to give any thoughts that could be helpful for other singles or married couples to know.
The interesting thing (at least I thought it was interesting) was the difference in the responses from people within the same church. I was amazed to read that within the same congregation there were very different views of the leaders in the church and the other members and how they were treated. This got me to thinking that a very important part of being in the church (no matter your situation) is communication!!
The following are the questions and answers given. (Just a note that these questions were given to both men and women).
What is the hardest thing about being single?
Loneliness.
Knowing that there is no one to share your life with.
Coming home to an empty house.
Going to events (weddings/funerals/family gatherings/church events) alone.
Not having anyone to spend holidays/vacation with.
My married friends don't include me - even though we used to spend lots of time together before.
Controlling sexual desires - even simple things like holding hands.
Sitting alone in church.
Getting into a snow covered, cold car after church and seeing all the men help their wives.
This was just a small sample of the answers given. I think that the first response sums it up well. There is much time spent alone. No one to talk to, no one to share your joys or sorrows with. Friendships that were built when 'everyone' was single or dating seem to fade.
One thing we often shy away from talking about is the sexual aspect of being single. We are inundated with sex everywhere. It doesn't have to be the at itself, but the intimacy of that relationship is just as big a part of it. Seeing husbands open doors for their wives, holding the small of their back as they lead them to their seats, holding hands as they pray. These are all lovely things, but can be heartbreaking when those are part of what you desire.
How does your church encourage you in your singleness?
Invite me to their homes.
Praying for me.
Being included in activities and help planning events.
Include me as part of the family - invited to birthday parties, family vacations.
How are you discouraged by your church because of your singleness?
As far as I recall, the pastor has never prayed for the singles.
I have never been invited to someone's home for a meal.
I have never had an elder's visit.
People assume that I'm not interested in getting married.
People say "I know so and so who is single' and don't do anything with that.
Comments like "You're not doing anything you can babysit, set up/clean up etc.
I thought I'd put those two together because they provide such a stark contrast. There were at least two people from every congregations questioned and their responses were so very different!
What would be something helpful that the church could do to encourage you in your singleness?
Pray: for endurance in chastity, patience in waiting, to use my gifts/time wisely.
Invite me over for a meal or coffee, family birthdays etc.
If you have a single brother/cousin/long lost relative (who you KNOW is a godly man) don't just tell me - introduce me.
The point of prayer is something that is so important. Everyone mentioned it. The tricky part is to make it a part of prayer just like praying for husbands & wives, parents & children and not just as an afterthought. As singles we are expected to be part of the church in all aspects and being included in the congregational prayer should flow from that.
One thing that Riverside ARP in Cambridge Ontario has tried to implement is a host family. This family is there to invite guest to their homes for lunch on Sunday between services. When this was set up the Hospitality Committee talked about the singles and when the congregation was told about the hosting duties, they were encouraged to invite the singles to come and help them with the entertaining. Some of the older singles do not have the ability to practice hospitality, but it is still something that we are all commanded to do, and by inviting them to help you they can be included in this. It can be as simple as bringing a dessert or another part of the meal, helping with set up/clean up. those who have utilized this have found it a blessing to have another set of hands and added fellowship.
What do you recommend to other 'older' singles to do to be involved in the church?
Invite people to your home (even if it is small).
One doesn't have to be married to be part of the family of God. Be part of whatever is going on in the church, such as Bible study and prayer meetings.
If there is a need see if you can fill it (making meals, preparing coffee, clean up etc).
Keep each other accountable.
One person answered that "We are all part of the body. We live and move and have our being in the body of Christ. Each member makes the body complete".
Any advice for those who are getting to be 'older' singles?
Keep on giving God your best.
Grow in the 'extra' time you have.
Accept invitations to people's homes - even if you feel 'weird' being the only single person there.
Search out ways you can be encouraged. Bitterness is subtle and deceiving.
Pray for strength in light of weaknesses.
Don't isolate yourself. Engage others in conversations (as sometimes they might not know what to talk to you about).
Take an interest in other people's lives.
Take stock of your time and use it to encourage others who don't have as much 'free' time as you might have.
Remember that in the grand scheme of things, marriage is not the end all and be all. Look at the big picture and remember that life is finite.
Be thankful for what you do have and where God has placed you. Remember that the grass isn't greener on the other side, just a different shade.
_____________________________________________
"So, what does your husband do?"
"I don't know, I haven't met him yet."
It was an innocent question. I was meeting a minister for the first time and he was tying to 'place' me. I was so thrilled to have come up with that response right away (it doesn't happen often) and the poor man turned every shade of red and quickly walked away.
When people reach a 'certain age", one naturally presumes that they are married. When that 'norm' isn't true there are moments of awkwardness and discomfort. What's wrong with that that they aren't married? Maybe they are just too picky.
In preparing for this article a number of 'older' singles were questioned about their churches and how the church is an encouragement and/or discouragement to them in their daily lives. They were also asked to give any thoughts that could be helpful for other singles or married couples to know.
The interesting thing (at least I thought it was interesting) was the difference in the responses from people within the same church. I was amazed to read that within the same congregation there were very different views of the leaders in the church and the other members and how they were treated. This got me to thinking that a very important part of being in the church (no matter your situation) is communication!!
The following are the questions and answers given. (Just a note that these questions were given to both men and women).
What is the hardest thing about being single?
Loneliness.
Knowing that there is no one to share your life with.
Coming home to an empty house.
Going to events (weddings/funerals/family gatherings/church events) alone.
Not having anyone to spend holidays/vacation with.
My married friends don't include me - even though we used to spend lots of time together before.
Controlling sexual desires - even simple things like holding hands.
Sitting alone in church.
Getting into a snow covered, cold car after church and seeing all the men help their wives.
This was just a small sample of the answers given. I think that the first response sums it up well. There is much time spent alone. No one to talk to, no one to share your joys or sorrows with. Friendships that were built when 'everyone' was single or dating seem to fade.
One thing we often shy away from talking about is the sexual aspect of being single. We are inundated with sex everywhere. It doesn't have to be the at itself, but the intimacy of that relationship is just as big a part of it. Seeing husbands open doors for their wives, holding the small of their back as they lead them to their seats, holding hands as they pray. These are all lovely things, but can be heartbreaking when those are part of what you desire.
How does your church encourage you in your singleness?
Invite me to their homes.
Praying for me.
Being included in activities and help planning events.
Include me as part of the family - invited to birthday parties, family vacations.
How are you discouraged by your church because of your singleness?
As far as I recall, the pastor has never prayed for the singles.
I have never been invited to someone's home for a meal.
I have never had an elder's visit.
People assume that I'm not interested in getting married.
People say "I know so and so who is single' and don't do anything with that.
Comments like "You're not doing anything you can babysit, set up/clean up etc.
I thought I'd put those two together because they provide such a stark contrast. There were at least two people from every congregations questioned and their responses were so very different!
What would be something helpful that the church could do to encourage you in your singleness?
Pray: for endurance in chastity, patience in waiting, to use my gifts/time wisely.
Invite me over for a meal or coffee, family birthdays etc.
If you have a single brother/cousin/long lost relative (who you KNOW is a godly man) don't just tell me - introduce me.
The point of prayer is something that is so important. Everyone mentioned it. The tricky part is to make it a part of prayer just like praying for husbands & wives, parents & children and not just as an afterthought. As singles we are expected to be part of the church in all aspects and being included in the congregational prayer should flow from that.
One thing that Riverside ARP in Cambridge Ontario has tried to implement is a host family. This family is there to invite guest to their homes for lunch on Sunday between services. When this was set up the Hospitality Committee talked about the singles and when the congregation was told about the hosting duties, they were encouraged to invite the singles to come and help them with the entertaining. Some of the older singles do not have the ability to practice hospitality, but it is still something that we are all commanded to do, and by inviting them to help you they can be included in this. It can be as simple as bringing a dessert or another part of the meal, helping with set up/clean up. those who have utilized this have found it a blessing to have another set of hands and added fellowship.
What do you recommend to other 'older' singles to do to be involved in the church?
Invite people to your home (even if it is small).
One doesn't have to be married to be part of the family of God. Be part of whatever is going on in the church, such as Bible study and prayer meetings.
If there is a need see if you can fill it (making meals, preparing coffee, clean up etc).
Keep each other accountable.
One person answered that "We are all part of the body. We live and move and have our being in the body of Christ. Each member makes the body complete".
Any advice for those who are getting to be 'older' singles?
Keep on giving God your best.
Grow in the 'extra' time you have.
Accept invitations to people's homes - even if you feel 'weird' being the only single person there.
Search out ways you can be encouraged. Bitterness is subtle and deceiving.
Pray for strength in light of weaknesses.
Don't isolate yourself. Engage others in conversations (as sometimes they might not know what to talk to you about).
Take an interest in other people's lives.
Take stock of your time and use it to encourage others who don't have as much 'free' time as you might have.
Remember that in the grand scheme of things, marriage is not the end all and be all. Look at the big picture and remember that life is finite.
Be thankful for what you do have and where God has placed you. Remember that the grass isn't greener on the other side, just a different shade.
__________________________________________________________________
Just a few thoughts to those not single...
It may have been a long time ago that you walked in the shoes of the single or maybe you married young and don't what it is like to be on your own...maybe you envy it (truthfully there are some perks to being single - not having to wait for someone to finish talking so you can go home, if you want ice cream for dinner that's ok, you get to pick the movie or TV show every time) but being single is not a bad thing that you need to avoid. Open your home to the singles in your church. Try to remember them especially around holidays or birthdays and invite them for cake or include them in a small gift exchange or party.
Don't take advantage of them. Just because they don't have a husband or children of their won doesn't mean that they can babysit at the drop of a hat (though sometimes it does). Build a relationship with them not just between them and your children.
Be sensitive that some days/weeks are harder than other. One day they might be perfectly content in their singleness and the next, someone announces a wedding or a baby and that can bring on feelings of loneliness and feeling left out.
We joke about it, but truly if you do know someone, make introductions. I would first caution that you really do know who are you are setting up. There have been instances where some thought "this person would be perfect" but upon meeting and it not 'working' the matchmakers admitted that they really didn't know the other person very well except that they were single and went to a church. Don't assume that because we're single we're desperate and will take anyone. Be thoughtful and prayerful before making recommendations.
Just a few thoughts to those who are single...
If you are feeling left out or alone, communication is very important. Your pastor, elders and deacons (along with everyone else) are not mind readers. You need to talk to them. If you need a visit with the pastor, tell him. If you notice that the singles are being forgotten in prayer, talk to the elders. If you are struggling talk to someone and confide in them. Have someone to keep you accountable in your struggles. Ask for prayer.
Ask trusted men in your church to 'keep an eye out' for you. As men they have a different point of view of the character of another man, but they also give communication with others so they can be helpful (even if they feel a bit strange at first with the 'matchmaker' role). I have personally approached a few men that I know and love and they were honoured to be given that trust. Come up with some of the things that you are 'looking for' and share it with them (how important certain things may be to you - like leadership in the home, participation in the church etc).
"Remember this;
had any other condition been better for you
than the one in which you are,
divine love would have put you there."
Spurgeon
Some recommended reading:
The Meaning of Marriage by Tom and Kathy Keller. It encourages singles not to 'blow off' marriage or want it too badly. Learn how our culture influences our ideas of marriage what the Bible says.
Fine China is for Single Women Too by Lydia Brownback. This tiny little book cuts to the heart of the matter of singleness and encourages single women to not put life on hold.
Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye by Carolyn McCulley. This book gives great insight into living as a single woman to God's glory.
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