Encouraging Those Dealing with Infertility
I have written a few articles about how to encourage different groups of people within our churches, those that seem to sometimes fall through the cracks. This first one is on Infertility and the second is on Adoption. I hope to have one in the fall on Children with Disabilities.
If you would like to send a copy of these to someone or would like to reprint these, please let ask for permission first. Thank you.
Birth announcements. Baptisms. Nursery duty. Baby showers. For a growing number of couples in our churches these normally joyous occasions are ones that are filled with heart break, grief and sorrow. It isn't that they aren't thankful for the gift of children or that they don't rejoice with those who have children, but for them it is a reminder again of the longing that they have to have their own family and the heart break that comes along with infertility.
The sad thing, is that often church is where they find their struggle the hardest to deal with. The place where we come to worhsip, be taught and refreshed to face the trials of the week and to fellowship - this is the place that brings reminders of God's answer - no.
What makes it so hard to be with their fellow Christians? Groups of people oohing and aahing over the newest additions, conversations filled with pregnancy complaints and parenting tips are reminders that their own arms are empty. Congregational prayers are filled with pleadings for wisdom for fathers and mothers and obedience and safety of children, strength for expectant mothers and those close to delivery and these brothers and sisters are feeling left out and forgotten.
How do we change things in our own churches so that these brothers and sisters are not left on the sidelines?
The first this is probably the hardest. Talk about it. Don't just presume that because a couple doesn't have children that they don't want them. It is a difficult thing to have your hopes up and then dashed every month and often talking about it is the hardest thing.
If you are one of these couples that are unable to have children, talk to your pastor and elders, let them know that this is a struggle and ask them to pray. (Though it may be the focus of many of your thoughts and prayers - they are not mind-readers and don't know of your struggles). Confide in close friends and ask them to remember you in prayer. Let folks know what they can do to show you love and support and don't be afraid to ask for it.
Pastors, make an effort to remember them in congregational prayers. Not just as an after thought, but as part of the body of your church - just like parents, husbands/wives, seniors, widows and singles.
Women, be thoughtful in your conversations. It isn't that the topic of children has to be avoided at all costs, but be sensitive to those who do struggle with infertility. Make sure to include them in conversations. Ask what you can do to encourage them. Just let them know that you are praying for them.
In preparing for this article, several couples who are going through this difficult struggle of infertility or who have struggled in the past, were asked a number of questions to help those who do not understand this struggle how best to show them love and encouragement. They were very candid about some of the things that people say or do with the best of intentions and the purpose of including them here is not to make anyone feel guilty but to open eyes to this heartache and how we can help.
If you would like to send a copy of these to someone or would like to reprint these, please let ask for permission first. Thank you.
Birth announcements. Baptisms. Nursery duty. Baby showers. For a growing number of couples in our churches these normally joyous occasions are ones that are filled with heart break, grief and sorrow. It isn't that they aren't thankful for the gift of children or that they don't rejoice with those who have children, but for them it is a reminder again of the longing that they have to have their own family and the heart break that comes along with infertility.
The sad thing, is that often church is where they find their struggle the hardest to deal with. The place where we come to worhsip, be taught and refreshed to face the trials of the week and to fellowship - this is the place that brings reminders of God's answer - no.
What makes it so hard to be with their fellow Christians? Groups of people oohing and aahing over the newest additions, conversations filled with pregnancy complaints and parenting tips are reminders that their own arms are empty. Congregational prayers are filled with pleadings for wisdom for fathers and mothers and obedience and safety of children, strength for expectant mothers and those close to delivery and these brothers and sisters are feeling left out and forgotten.
How do we change things in our own churches so that these brothers and sisters are not left on the sidelines?
The first this is probably the hardest. Talk about it. Don't just presume that because a couple doesn't have children that they don't want them. It is a difficult thing to have your hopes up and then dashed every month and often talking about it is the hardest thing.
If you are one of these couples that are unable to have children, talk to your pastor and elders, let them know that this is a struggle and ask them to pray. (Though it may be the focus of many of your thoughts and prayers - they are not mind-readers and don't know of your struggles). Confide in close friends and ask them to remember you in prayer. Let folks know what they can do to show you love and support and don't be afraid to ask for it.
Pastors, make an effort to remember them in congregational prayers. Not just as an after thought, but as part of the body of your church - just like parents, husbands/wives, seniors, widows and singles.
Women, be thoughtful in your conversations. It isn't that the topic of children has to be avoided at all costs, but be sensitive to those who do struggle with infertility. Make sure to include them in conversations. Ask what you can do to encourage them. Just let them know that you are praying for them.
In preparing for this article, several couples who are going through this difficult struggle of infertility or who have struggled in the past, were asked a number of questions to help those who do not understand this struggle how best to show them love and encouragement. They were very candid about some of the things that people say or do with the best of intentions and the purpose of including them here is not to make anyone feel guilty but to open eyes to this heartache and how we can help.
- Maybe there is unconfessed sin in your life
- Just relax and don't think about it and it will happen
- I know exactly what you're going through (unless you're actually going through it - you don't. Trying for 2 or 3 months without success is in no way the same as years of trying and disappointment).
- It is probably God's will that you don't have children
- Go on vacation, take a holiday, adopt, etc. I know someone who did (whatever the suggestion is) and they got pregnant...
- Don't not share an announcement of pregnancy with us because we might be sad
- not including us in social events or asking us to host baby showers. (this one was hard because being invited is hard but so is not being invited).
- Be purposeful in remembering them in your prayers (both private and congregational)
- Let them know that you are praying for them
- Send a card of encouragement
- Be generous with love and hugs. The ladies all said that this one was one that that would be good and bad - it might bring tears but it would also go a long way in showing love to them.
- Make a meal - again the ladies said that sometimes their grief and sorrow was so deep that the thought of preparing a meal was too overwhelming
- Invite them over - like you would any other couple. Don't feel that you have to walk on eggshells - they are able to 'hold it together' in front of people and are also able to leave if they need too.
- Cry with them. Show support without giving advice - just listening and crying with them shows great love.
- Don't always bring it up. There are other things going on in life. Childlessness doesn't define them (just like having your appendix removed doesn't define you).
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