Encouraging in Adoption
This is the second article in a series of Encouraging Within the Church.
Please ask for permission before reprinting. Thank you.
"Well, Marilla, I'll just tell you plain that I think you're doing a mighty foolish thing - a risky thing, that's what. You don't know what you're getting. You're bringing a strange child into your house and home and you don't know a single thing about him or what his disposition is like nor what sort of parent he had nor how he's likely to turn out. Why, it was only last week I read in the paper about a man and his wife up west of the Island took a boy out of an orphan asylum and he set fire to the house at night - set it on purpose, Marilla, and nearly burnt them to a crisp in their beds. And I know another case where an adopted boy used to suck the eggs - they couldn't break him of it. If you had asked my advice in the matter - which you didn't do, Marilla - I'd have said for mercy's sake not to think of such a thing, that's what". Mrs. Rachel Lynde, Anne of Green Gables.
How many of us chuckle when we read those stern words of Mrs. Rachel Lynde? How out of date is her attitude towards orphans - or adopting children is?
Or is it?
My earliest member of adoption is still very vividly etched in my mind. I was walking with my grandmother, when I was about 9 years old, coming back from Franklin's where we had just bought ice cream for dessert. We had just crossed the busy street when we started talking about Anne of Green Gables (the book I was starting to read) and my grandmother told me that my uncle and aunt were both adopted. I remember stopping in my tracks and with a quivering lip and eyes brimmed with tears asking "Can I still love them?"
You'd think that some 30 years later the stigma of adoption would be different, but it is something that is rare enough that we aren't exposed to it and aren't sure quite how to deal with it when someone in our churches announce that they are going to adopt.
"What do you know about their parents"? "Did their mother drink"? "What if there are mental or physical issues"? "Do you know what you're getting yourself into"?And suddenly we're starting to sound like Mrs. Lynde! The panic of the unknown and the unanswered questions fill us with fear instead of remembering God's words as he spoke through James "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after the orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world" (1:27)
So how do we go about encouraging couples in our churches who have chosen to adopt? In preparing for this article a number of couple were interviewed from those who have adopted years ago to those who are 'new' to adoption and their answers were very clear, insightful and helpful in giving very practical ideas that we can all easily do.
At the end of the day, parents who adopt have the same struggles, joys and concerns as parents who don't adopt. Their children are still children that need to be nurtured in the fear and knowledge of the Lord. Our Father, who knew us before the foundations of the world, knew that these children would be placed in the homes that they are placed in.
"We've got each other Anne, I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here - if you'd never come. Oh, Anne, I know I've been kind of strict and harsh with you maybe - but you mustn't think I didn't love you as well as Matthew did, for all that. I want to tell you now when I can. It's never been easy for me to say things out of my heart, but at times like this it's easier. I love you as dear as if you were my own flesh and blood and you've been my joy and comfort ever since you came to Green Gables." Marilla Cuthbert, Anne of Green Gables.
Please ask for permission before reprinting. Thank you.
"Well, Marilla, I'll just tell you plain that I think you're doing a mighty foolish thing - a risky thing, that's what. You don't know what you're getting. You're bringing a strange child into your house and home and you don't know a single thing about him or what his disposition is like nor what sort of parent he had nor how he's likely to turn out. Why, it was only last week I read in the paper about a man and his wife up west of the Island took a boy out of an orphan asylum and he set fire to the house at night - set it on purpose, Marilla, and nearly burnt them to a crisp in their beds. And I know another case where an adopted boy used to suck the eggs - they couldn't break him of it. If you had asked my advice in the matter - which you didn't do, Marilla - I'd have said for mercy's sake not to think of such a thing, that's what". Mrs. Rachel Lynde, Anne of Green Gables.
How many of us chuckle when we read those stern words of Mrs. Rachel Lynde? How out of date is her attitude towards orphans - or adopting children is?
Or is it?
My earliest member of adoption is still very vividly etched in my mind. I was walking with my grandmother, when I was about 9 years old, coming back from Franklin's where we had just bought ice cream for dessert. We had just crossed the busy street when we started talking about Anne of Green Gables (the book I was starting to read) and my grandmother told me that my uncle and aunt were both adopted. I remember stopping in my tracks and with a quivering lip and eyes brimmed with tears asking "Can I still love them?"
You'd think that some 30 years later the stigma of adoption would be different, but it is something that is rare enough that we aren't exposed to it and aren't sure quite how to deal with it when someone in our churches announce that they are going to adopt.
"What do you know about their parents"? "Did their mother drink"? "What if there are mental or physical issues"? "Do you know what you're getting yourself into"?And suddenly we're starting to sound like Mrs. Lynde! The panic of the unknown and the unanswered questions fill us with fear instead of remembering God's words as he spoke through James "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after the orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world" (1:27)
So how do we go about encouraging couples in our churches who have chosen to adopt? In preparing for this article a number of couple were interviewed from those who have adopted years ago to those who are 'new' to adoption and their answers were very clear, insightful and helpful in giving very practical ideas that we can all easily do.
- Most women have about 9 months to prepare for a new baby. In adoption you may have weeks or months sometimes even just a few days notice so it is very overwhelming to suddenly have a new baby - or older child- in their home so bring meals. Just as any new mom is tired and overwhelmed from night feedings and all the other changes, so are adopting moms.
- Host a shower to help the family with items for the new baby (or older child) and share in their joy!
- Adopted children become members of the family - not a means to 'hopefuly now get pregnant and have one of your own". Be sensitive to the feelings of the parents and children. These are now their 'real' children and part of the family. Also, be mindful that you don't need to know all the details behind the adoption - where the birth parents are or why the children were taken away is not necessarily public information.
- Remember, especially if it is older children, that they came from foster homes where discipline and anything about God were foreign. Don't have the same expectations for behaviour as you would of other children the same age. There is a lot of catch up time and training needed. There might also be medical issues that are unknown to the parents (ie: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) that are unique and unchartered territory in learning how to train and treat. There are also limitations put on parents by CAS - like how to discipline. These things mean that sometimes parents may not be able to discipline as they would like or as other do. Be patient.
- Communication is so important. Make sure that there is dialogue between the adopting parents and the church - especially if there are special needs that come up. Be proactive and ask the parents if there is anything you can do to help or specifically pray for.
- Financial. One of the couples interviewed mentioned that there are great costs that come with adoption - all sorts of security checks, forms to be filled and more security checks as well as courses and guidelines to be followed that all cost a great deal. Consider if you are able to help financially in this way.
- Pray!!! Pray that the parents would have wisdom in raising their children (especially if they are older and have no ideas of discipline or no knowledge of God). Pray that the Lord would work in the hearts of the children and that they would be blessed in their new home.
At the end of the day, parents who adopt have the same struggles, joys and concerns as parents who don't adopt. Their children are still children that need to be nurtured in the fear and knowledge of the Lord. Our Father, who knew us before the foundations of the world, knew that these children would be placed in the homes that they are placed in.
"We've got each other Anne, I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here - if you'd never come. Oh, Anne, I know I've been kind of strict and harsh with you maybe - but you mustn't think I didn't love you as well as Matthew did, for all that. I want to tell you now when I can. It's never been easy for me to say things out of my heart, but at times like this it's easier. I love you as dear as if you were my own flesh and blood and you've been my joy and comfort ever since you came to Green Gables." Marilla Cuthbert, Anne of Green Gables.
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- Jennifer VL