2010

It is hard to believe that it is actually 2010. I remember when it was 1980, 1990, 2000 and now 2010. It seemed like it was so far away but looking back it has gone by quickly.

At the start of a new year it is usually a time when people reflect on the past year - What did you want to accomplish? What didn't you do? What could you have done better or worse? As I start a new 'chapter' this year, I was thinking about 2009 and am amazed (though I shouldn't be) at God's grace inspite of my failures.

2009 was a difficult year for me medically speaking. From June to December I think I worked 1 full week. Most weeks I spent at least 1 day in bed with a migraine. I've been full of self pity - thinking of all the things that I wish I could do, people I wanted to visit with and places to go. I put pressure on myself - being more concerned about what 'man' thought of me than my Father and paid the price.

The one thing that I can cleary see looking back at 2009 is that my Father loves me. Even though I failed in so many ways, and had the wrong motives and priorities, he gave me the strength for each day. He gave grace so that I don't feel like I'll go insane if I have one more minute of pain, but the knowledge that he doesn't give us more than we can bear - what comfort! I still am discouraged when I wake up in the morning with a pounding head, or throughout the day, or when I go to bed at night feeling like elephants are stomping on my head, or waking up in the middle of the night because of pain. But in spite of that, I know that every second of every minute I am in the hands of my Father - who loves me.

Like the apostle Paul, I can say that I have learned to be content - but only in certain situations. I am thankfully and happily content to be single. I love that I have the freedom to go and come as I please (I am still accountable for my actions but I don't have to wait on a husband or children), that I am able to live with Rachel & Ryan and the kids and also have the choice to leave, that I have more disposible time to help if needed in the church or to go out with friends. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to have my own home, or husband or children - but I've learned to be content.

Now I'm learning to be content with headaches. Not that I don't keep trying different remedies (I've tried the oldest & newest medications, acupuncture, homeopathy, natural path, chiropractor, massage, stretching, orthotics, vitamins, Advil (often 1 is enough :)), Tylenol, Botox (which made my forehead unable to wrinkle but that was it), darkness, avoiding certain foods and if there are new things I will try them, but it now comes down to a heart issue. Am I willing to trust that my Father knows what is best for me and that this is for my good and his glory?

I recently had a visit with an inmate and she was sharing some of her family life growing up. I could with all honesty say that I knew exactly what she was going through - I had the same experience (though thankfully ours is resolved by God's grace). She said that she had never had anyone tell her that they had been through the same thing. As I drove away, I thought "Lord, if I had to go through all of that so that I could say 'I understand, I've been through it and have come out the other side. This is how the Lord used it in our family' then Lord, as hard as it was, thank you for knowing that one day I would need this to comfort someone else".

2 Corinthians 1:3&4 says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have recieved from God."

There are so many things that I wish I had done differently in 2009 and as I look ahead to a new year, I know that my Father will give grace for each new day. So to be held accountable here are a few things that I would like to see change in my life:

1. Be faithful in reading the words of God
2. Pray with faith
3. Learn to be content in ALL things
4. Speak less & listen more
5. Do all things without complaining or aruging (with man or God)
6. Encourage others in my family, church and work
7. Be bold
8. Be thankful
9. Be less selfish and put others before myself
10. Be gentle

Even as I write those things down I know I will fail. What a great attitude to start with - I know I will fail. Thankfully I don't have to do it on my own - isn't that a wonderful thought!?! How wonderful that we have a Father who loves us and cares for each little detail of our lives.