1 Year Later
Saturday was 1 year ago that I had my last radiation treatment, so I've been thinking about that time that over the last week and all that has happened this year.
- It was a long year. It really does take a good year to recover from radiation. It was only a few weeks ago that I didn't feel that fatigue and twinges of nerve pain that seemed to be ever present. There is some permanent damage, but it seems to be pretty minor. In October I had my scans redone, and all looks good. The doctor would often say to me "Jennifer it has only been x# of months - give yourself a break!!". I see that now, but when I was in it I just wanted to be better and not have those pains anymore so I could forget that it all happened.
- God used this time to refine me - and is still working. I had a lot of anger, bitterness, and disappointment, especially when I was done my treatments. People who said that they would be there for treatments or make meals - didn't show up. I felt hurt and very lonely. I don't think I've even been as discontent in my singleness as I have been over the last year. I don't think that "the grass is greener" but there were many nights when I would wake up screaming and crying and it would have been nice to have someone there. I did learn that people who don't live on their own don't understand. Being alone, you have to drive everywhere, to the groceries, cooking and cleaning all the things. If you're alone and you don't do it - it doesn't get done. That was one of the hard things.
- Talking with someone has been good. Pastor Jerry and I have been going through the book "Walking with God Through Pain and Suffering" by Tim Keller (we started with Part 3 and are now at Part 1). This book (and talking with Jerry) has been so helpful in seeing that it is okay to lament, to cry and be sad, but we don't stay there. There also needs to be thankfulness for God's blessing and care during those sad and dark days. This has been sometimes hard to learn and I'm still growing in this, but it has been good to talk.
- I have to learn to breathe and sleep. I don't realize that I'm holding my breath all the time - especially when I'm in the doctor's office and usually feel like I can breathe again once I get an 'all clear' after a visit. The sleeping thing, well, that last year that has not gone so well. I still wake up some nights screaming or in pain. (I have seen the doctor and we are working on getting sleep to be a thing that actually happens).
- I have to learn to not feel guilty for saying no. My migraines didn't stop during treatment (or after) and there are many days that I struggle to get out of bed or do things. Often, I don't go to church in the evenings - I'm exhausted by the time I get home after the morning service and while I might be okay to drive to the evening service, I also have to be able to drive back home again and often it is too much. I often have to say no to things that I do want to do but know that I can't. I felt guilty for a long time - and still struggle with that - but it is getting easier to ask for help or say no.
I still have a ways to go, I'm still self conscious about my markers (you can't see them but they look like big blue dots) and the discolouration (which again, no one but me sees. I still panic when I get a twinge or feel something 'new'. There are always niggles at the back of my mind "what if I have cancer again?" It comes to trusting and resting (I'm learning.... slowly).
Even though there have been many, many dark and sad days, lots of sleepless nights and buckets of tears, I can also look back and see that God was there (you know in your heart that he is but sometimes when you are trudging through the darkness it feels like you've been forgotten). What grace he has given me.
Isaiah 43:2-3a have been such a blessing to me:
"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and through the rivers,
they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire
you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God."
Comments