Radiation Treatments and 4 months later
I finished my radiation treatments on November 23rd - the day before Julia's birthday (she was really hoping I would be done before her birthday so we could celebrate together). The whole experience went so quickly, it was August 23rd that I had the lumpectomy and 3 months later I was done radiation. I couldn't write about this sooner, emotionally and physically I just couldn't do it. I just started talking more about all that happened and what I went through, but it was hard.
I mean it was hard.
I had no real idea going into it what was going to happen and how I was going to respond (especially since I respond sooo well to things - let the sarcasm drip) but it was not great.
My weeks of treatment went like this (there were 21 sessions that went Monday to Friday with weekends off):
Monday-Friday: work 9 till about 12 (depending on what time treatment was)
leave for hospital
wait about 5-10 mins to have my name called
get moved and shifted for a few minutes then 5 minutes of radiation
change and go out to car
radiation headache start (which they told me wasn't a thing but I had it every time)
drive to Rachel's and talk. Then stay with Rylee while Rachel picks up the kids
quick hugs from the kids and then head home
sleep for 2 hours, make some food go to bed for the night
Saturday: sleep, try to do some groceries but mostly sleep and migraine
Sunday: church in the morning then sleep/migraine
Though she is only 3, Rylee was the best caregiver ever. When I would come to the house she would bring me a pillow, tell me to lie down then cover me with a blanket and tell me 'night-night'. Sometimes she would very carefully snuggle in with me otherwise, she would sit close by and just rub my head. I often would wake up to her smooching my forehead or cheek. Even now, almost 4 months later, she is very careful and if I look tired she tells me to go 'night'. :) Blake was also very careful and cautious and would ask me each time what side my 'owies' was on and then carefully give me a hug. In December, when he asked me, I said, he could just give me a real hug that it didn't hurt too much. He squeezed with all his might and said that he was glad he could hug me without being afraid to hurt me. (There had been a few times when the kids would sit too close or accidently knock me and I would try to hide my tears).
At the end of week 1 I started to notice little spots on my breast. Little blisters like you get when you've been out in the sun too long. Not a 'sunburn' yet but sort of sensitive. By week 2, it was starting to hurt. The blisters were growing and fabric touching my skin could be painful.
Weeks 3-4 were brutal (though I had no idea it would get worse). I would come home, close the curtains and take off my shirt, anything touching my skin would hurt. If I moved too much it would start to tear. I had to clear the snow off my car one morning and when I got to work, realized that I had torn in a few spots and had to do a lot of cleaning up. At night I would lay down holding a pillow tightly to my chest. I often slept on the couch because then I wouldn't inadvertently roll over. I would often wake up to the sound of my screams because I had moved.
They told me week 5 was going to be the worst. Though I wasn't having treatments, the radiation I did have would still be working. The burns got worse. Moving my right arm was painful and even writing would cause my skin to tear/split. I felt like I spent my days stifling screams. I am normally a hugger, but I would walk around with my arm protecting my chest so that no one would touch me. My migraines this week were full blown and I was exhausted. Sleeping was hard and I woke myself up more frequently screaming in pain.
The day of my last treatment, I went by myself to the Cancer Centre. I was laying on the table, counting the 5 seconds of treatment (the last 5 sessions were focused directly on the spot where the cancer was and literally took 5 seconds) and I started to cry. I realized that this was the last time that I had to come there, the last time I would see the very kind staff and the last time I would be radiated. When the girls came in and saw me crying, we hugged and said that it was nice to have met but that we hoped we'd never see each other there again. I was trying to hold back my tears as I was walking out, when one of the volunteers came up beside me. I told her that it was my last session and they were happy tears.
I had thought that I would ring the gong, but being there by myself, I didn't want to do it. The volunteer just walked me over the gong, took my phone to take a picture and then told me to ring it louder, that I deserved to ring it after what I'd been through.
I thought that the worst would be done, but that wasn't true. The day before Christmas I started a migraine that lasted for 6 weeks. I was feeling so low, not eating properly, not sleeping, and in a lot of pain physically and mentally. Though not suicidal, I understood how people could feel that it was the only way to stop the pain. I had held on so tightly the pillow while I was sleeping that I strained the muscle in my arm (4 months later I can still hardly lift anything with my right arm as the muscle is so tight). I had some nerve damage to my 3rd and 4th fingers and sometimes could not even hold a pen to write.
There was a lot of pain in my chest (and still is), mostly a stabbing pain where the cancer was removed and then fireworks of pain throughout the rest of the breast. Seeing the discolouration from the radiation is also hard. There is a concave spot where the cancer was removed and then very dark, almost black skin where the burns were (this has been fading and the doctor said it would take a few months to lessen though not totally go away). There are 3 tiny dots, my markers, that I feel glow like a beacon. One day the girls wanted to go swimming and I said yes, then sat on the bed crying because if I had a bathing suit on then everyone would see. Rachel talked me down and when I put my bathing suit on, it was all covered so you couldn't see anything. It was just another thing that hit me.
Then there was the depression that lay like a weighted blanket on me. I felt so low so upset, bitter disappointed, discouraged. There were lots and lots of tears. I felt like I couldn't breath or move. I felt that I was just clinging on to survive. I felt very forgotten and extremely lonely. They were very dark days.
On February 15, the day before my birthday, I met with the surgeon for a follow up appointment. I told her about the stabbing/firework pain and she asked me what I do when that happens. I said, "I just hold on for dear life!" We had a good laugh and was reassured that it is just nerves regenerating so it is a good thing to have that pain - though it is not pleasant. There were also 2 spots on my breast that I really wanted her to check. They were especially sore and lumpy and the thoughts going through my head were 'what if it is more cancer?'. I didn't sleep for the week before my appointment I was so worried about the 'what if's'. During the visit Dr. McLeod did a very thorough check and assured me that it was scar tissue and I didn't need to worry. She also told me off (in a kind way) saying that it hadn't even been 3 months since I finished radiation and 6 months since surgery and that it took most people a whole year to recover. That I was pushing too hard and that I needed to rest.
Honestly, when I left, I told Betty Ann that I felt like I could breathe for the first time since all this started last August. I just cried with relief that it was done, all was okay and that it would take time to heal. I laughed that night - something that I didn't realize until I did it, that I hadn't done in a long time, a good heartfelt- my head hurts-I can't breathe kind of a laugh. I slept so well that night! The dark feeling of depression lifted and I felt happy - again something I hadn't really felt since all this started. I felt like I did a mental 180!
While I do notice that the discolouration is fading and the physical pain is much less, I have some things that I need to work through. It was a time of extreme loneliness and discouragement. Going through this by myself (I talked with Rachel and Betty Ann just about everyday but I still felt very much alone) as a single woman has been hard. I have been thinking more about how we as the body need to be more proactive in coming alongside, not just families but those who are alone too, but I honestly think I am still to emotionally 'raw' to think about it too much. When I do get discouraged I think of the blessings. I am not at a place where I can say that I am thankful for all the God did through this, but I'm getting there - slowly.
I am thankful that I have a pastor who I can talk very openly with.
I am thankful for a job where I was able to change my work schedule. I would work in the mornings and then have treatments in the afternoon. It had been a rough year already, but they were so kind in many different ways to me.
I am thankful for the staff at Grand River Cancer Centre who made the sessions 'okay' by being so friendly.
I am very thankful to Jessica, who made me meals. It meant so much to me for her to not just say that she would make a meal, but actually make one, and not just once. I am thankful for Tini who came along with me twice and made me meals. Mom left me a meal and Jenny made a meal - even though she had her hands full with Henry's broken hip. Kelley came along with me to a session and Hettie also came along twice.
I am thankful for Betty Ann came with me to appointments, who did all the research, so I wouldn't have to look up anything. She came with me on Wednesdays (which was doctor visit days) and would stand up for me, she came with me to other doctor's appointments so that we could get all the information we needed to make the best decisions (the oncologist said that I needed to stop something that I was doing for my anemia but after careful research and discussion with my other doctor it was decided that what I was doing was okay). She checked my burns, worked hard to make me smile, listened to my concerns and fears. Prayed with me, cried with me and just walked beside me through it.
I am thankful to Rachel, who, when I first told her was very pragmatic and reassuring and as I went through treatment she listened and sympathized. I could text/call/talk anytime. She was watching me closely for depression, she encouraged me when I was exhausted. She calmed me when I was in agony. I am thankful for her children, who she and Ryan have raised to be caring and kind. For Rylee's sweet love during the hardest days and those smooches. The girls offered to clean my house for me so I wouldn't have too. Tristan, Hannah and Julia did my laundry and carried things to the car for me. Blake and Anthony, very carefully, snuggled with me. She also came, along with Rylee, to my second last session when I was really feeling very sick and didn't think that I could do the drive.
So what are the next steps? What happens now? I have a follow up mammogram & ultrasound in May (Dr. McLeod said if I went sooner than that I would hurt her - which I believe!) and then follow up appointments with her every 3 months for the next 5 years or so just to make sure that things are okay. Otherwise, life just goes on.
I mean it was hard.
I had no real idea going into it what was going to happen and how I was going to respond (especially since I respond sooo well to things - let the sarcasm drip) but it was not great.
My weeks of treatment went like this (there were 21 sessions that went Monday to Friday with weekends off):
Monday-Friday: work 9 till about 12 (depending on what time treatment was)
leave for hospital
wait about 5-10 mins to have my name called
get moved and shifted for a few minutes then 5 minutes of radiation
change and go out to car
radiation headache start (which they told me wasn't a thing but I had it every time)
drive to Rachel's and talk. Then stay with Rylee while Rachel picks up the kids
quick hugs from the kids and then head home
sleep for 2 hours, make some food go to bed for the night
Saturday: sleep, try to do some groceries but mostly sleep and migraine
Sunday: church in the morning then sleep/migraine
Though she is only 3, Rylee was the best caregiver ever. When I would come to the house she would bring me a pillow, tell me to lie down then cover me with a blanket and tell me 'night-night'. Sometimes she would very carefully snuggle in with me otherwise, she would sit close by and just rub my head. I often would wake up to her smooching my forehead or cheek. Even now, almost 4 months later, she is very careful and if I look tired she tells me to go 'night'. :) Blake was also very careful and cautious and would ask me each time what side my 'owies' was on and then carefully give me a hug. In December, when he asked me, I said, he could just give me a real hug that it didn't hurt too much. He squeezed with all his might and said that he was glad he could hug me without being afraid to hurt me. (There had been a few times when the kids would sit too close or accidently knock me and I would try to hide my tears).
At the end of week 1 I started to notice little spots on my breast. Little blisters like you get when you've been out in the sun too long. Not a 'sunburn' yet but sort of sensitive. By week 2, it was starting to hurt. The blisters were growing and fabric touching my skin could be painful.
Weeks 3-4 were brutal (though I had no idea it would get worse). I would come home, close the curtains and take off my shirt, anything touching my skin would hurt. If I moved too much it would start to tear. I had to clear the snow off my car one morning and when I got to work, realized that I had torn in a few spots and had to do a lot of cleaning up. At night I would lay down holding a pillow tightly to my chest. I often slept on the couch because then I wouldn't inadvertently roll over. I would often wake up to the sound of my screams because I had moved.
They told me week 5 was going to be the worst. Though I wasn't having treatments, the radiation I did have would still be working. The burns got worse. Moving my right arm was painful and even writing would cause my skin to tear/split. I felt like I spent my days stifling screams. I am normally a hugger, but I would walk around with my arm protecting my chest so that no one would touch me. My migraines this week were full blown and I was exhausted. Sleeping was hard and I woke myself up more frequently screaming in pain.
The day of my last treatment, I went by myself to the Cancer Centre. I was laying on the table, counting the 5 seconds of treatment (the last 5 sessions were focused directly on the spot where the cancer was and literally took 5 seconds) and I started to cry. I realized that this was the last time that I had to come there, the last time I would see the very kind staff and the last time I would be radiated. When the girls came in and saw me crying, we hugged and said that it was nice to have met but that we hoped we'd never see each other there again. I was trying to hold back my tears as I was walking out, when one of the volunteers came up beside me. I told her that it was my last session and they were happy tears.
I had thought that I would ring the gong, but being there by myself, I didn't want to do it. The volunteer just walked me over the gong, took my phone to take a picture and then told me to ring it louder, that I deserved to ring it after what I'd been through.
I thought that the worst would be done, but that wasn't true. The day before Christmas I started a migraine that lasted for 6 weeks. I was feeling so low, not eating properly, not sleeping, and in a lot of pain physically and mentally. Though not suicidal, I understood how people could feel that it was the only way to stop the pain. I had held on so tightly the pillow while I was sleeping that I strained the muscle in my arm (4 months later I can still hardly lift anything with my right arm as the muscle is so tight). I had some nerve damage to my 3rd and 4th fingers and sometimes could not even hold a pen to write.
There was a lot of pain in my chest (and still is), mostly a stabbing pain where the cancer was removed and then fireworks of pain throughout the rest of the breast. Seeing the discolouration from the radiation is also hard. There is a concave spot where the cancer was removed and then very dark, almost black skin where the burns were (this has been fading and the doctor said it would take a few months to lessen though not totally go away). There are 3 tiny dots, my markers, that I feel glow like a beacon. One day the girls wanted to go swimming and I said yes, then sat on the bed crying because if I had a bathing suit on then everyone would see. Rachel talked me down and when I put my bathing suit on, it was all covered so you couldn't see anything. It was just another thing that hit me.
Then there was the depression that lay like a weighted blanket on me. I felt so low so upset, bitter disappointed, discouraged. There were lots and lots of tears. I felt like I couldn't breath or move. I felt that I was just clinging on to survive. I felt very forgotten and extremely lonely. They were very dark days.
On February 15, the day before my birthday, I met with the surgeon for a follow up appointment. I told her about the stabbing/firework pain and she asked me what I do when that happens. I said, "I just hold on for dear life!" We had a good laugh and was reassured that it is just nerves regenerating so it is a good thing to have that pain - though it is not pleasant. There were also 2 spots on my breast that I really wanted her to check. They were especially sore and lumpy and the thoughts going through my head were 'what if it is more cancer?'. I didn't sleep for the week before my appointment I was so worried about the 'what if's'. During the visit Dr. McLeod did a very thorough check and assured me that it was scar tissue and I didn't need to worry. She also told me off (in a kind way) saying that it hadn't even been 3 months since I finished radiation and 6 months since surgery and that it took most people a whole year to recover. That I was pushing too hard and that I needed to rest.
Honestly, when I left, I told Betty Ann that I felt like I could breathe for the first time since all this started last August. I just cried with relief that it was done, all was okay and that it would take time to heal. I laughed that night - something that I didn't realize until I did it, that I hadn't done in a long time, a good heartfelt- my head hurts-I can't breathe kind of a laugh. I slept so well that night! The dark feeling of depression lifted and I felt happy - again something I hadn't really felt since all this started. I felt like I did a mental 180!
While I do notice that the discolouration is fading and the physical pain is much less, I have some things that I need to work through. It was a time of extreme loneliness and discouragement. Going through this by myself (I talked with Rachel and Betty Ann just about everyday but I still felt very much alone) as a single woman has been hard. I have been thinking more about how we as the body need to be more proactive in coming alongside, not just families but those who are alone too, but I honestly think I am still to emotionally 'raw' to think about it too much. When I do get discouraged I think of the blessings. I am not at a place where I can say that I am thankful for all the God did through this, but I'm getting there - slowly.
I am thankful that I have a pastor who I can talk very openly with.
I am thankful for a job where I was able to change my work schedule. I would work in the mornings and then have treatments in the afternoon. It had been a rough year already, but they were so kind in many different ways to me.
I am thankful for the staff at Grand River Cancer Centre who made the sessions 'okay' by being so friendly.
I am very thankful to Jessica, who made me meals. It meant so much to me for her to not just say that she would make a meal, but actually make one, and not just once. I am thankful for Tini who came along with me twice and made me meals. Mom left me a meal and Jenny made a meal - even though she had her hands full with Henry's broken hip. Kelley came along with me to a session and Hettie also came along twice.
I am thankful for Betty Ann came with me to appointments, who did all the research, so I wouldn't have to look up anything. She came with me on Wednesdays (which was doctor visit days) and would stand up for me, she came with me to other doctor's appointments so that we could get all the information we needed to make the best decisions (the oncologist said that I needed to stop something that I was doing for my anemia but after careful research and discussion with my other doctor it was decided that what I was doing was okay). She checked my burns, worked hard to make me smile, listened to my concerns and fears. Prayed with me, cried with me and just walked beside me through it.
I am thankful to Rachel, who, when I first told her was very pragmatic and reassuring and as I went through treatment she listened and sympathized. I could text/call/talk anytime. She was watching me closely for depression, she encouraged me when I was exhausted. She calmed me when I was in agony. I am thankful for her children, who she and Ryan have raised to be caring and kind. For Rylee's sweet love during the hardest days and those smooches. The girls offered to clean my house for me so I wouldn't have too. Tristan, Hannah and Julia did my laundry and carried things to the car for me. Blake and Anthony, very carefully, snuggled with me. She also came, along with Rylee, to my second last session when I was really feeling very sick and didn't think that I could do the drive.
So what are the next steps? What happens now? I have a follow up mammogram & ultrasound in May (Dr. McLeod said if I went sooner than that I would hurt her - which I believe!) and then follow up appointments with her every 3 months for the next 5 years or so just to make sure that things are okay. Otherwise, life just goes on.
Comments
Love ya!
..Jen